Can you Laugh and Blog at the same time?

Time for a little funny business. I've been having one of those days, so I figured I'd whip out the iPod and see whats crackin. This post contains dirty language so if that offends you, read it and be offended, you easily offended person!

Do you know who Dane Cook is? The funniest comedian I've ever heard. Everyone I know knows a few lines of his schtick and when we get hammered, it turns into a laugh festival. He does mostly standup, but I did manage to get an MP3 of his song, "I'll Never Be You."

I'll Never Be You
Dane Cook

You are the One everyone hopes to be
I am the one they say "I'm glad thats not me."
When I go to sleep I dream about you
When you go to sleep, I bet you dream about you too

Your life is filled with good times and cool clothes;
My life stands still just watching where your life goes

God please, let me, live in your world for one week
This life's no fair and its a tease for those like me
And its a tease for those like me

Sometimes I picture myself beating you up
I see myself slamming your head off the ground
And you beg and you plead and you cry constantly
I make you say that I'm the best
I make you say you wish you were me
And late every night I see me fucking your girl
Your cool car is now mine and so's your popular world
All your friends they love me and know that I hate you
I'm like a superhero badass motherfucker dude in red white and blue.

You don't know me
But I know you
Its a real love/hate thing
I love to hate you
I get so frustrated!
But tell me just what can I do

I'll never be you
I'll never be you
Never be you
I'll never be you (x6)
I'll never never be you you you
No I'll never fucking be you
I'll never ever ever be you

My hopeless dream fades to black
Boring me, hopelessly hoping you'll be attacked
And raped by demented monkeys with huge cocks
And painted green like a jelly bean on a trampoline in a toxic swamp
Your so smug and so fake with your laugh and your clique
I wanna be you so bad it makes me so fuckin sick
But you suck and you stink and your soulless and mean
I wanna be in your fake smug world so we can hang out down at the Coffee Bean
We can hang out down at the Coffee Bean
You and me hangin out at the Coffee Bean

And I know I'll never be you and it pisses me off
I hate you
I hate you
But I really really want to be you
Fuck

Quicktime version of song. For some reason, I couldn't stop listening to it and laughing for about 45 minutes. Oh man, I need to get away from this desk!

Check out his website, his albums and his shows. His stuff is genuinely funny, not that Patton Oswalt kinda "I hate Bush!" or Lewis Black "Fuck you!" or George Carlin "Catholics can suck my c*ck!" funny that only people who agree with them or don't want to get beaten in the lobby laugh at, but really funny. He doesn't alienate his audience, unless he gets a heckler which is funny in and of itself. Plus, he sent a buttload of his "Retaliation" two-disc CD sets over to the sandbox to be "proud to know those men and women are able to have a good laugh while doing the hardest job on earth." That says as lot to me. Since I hate a lot of comics who overly politicize their skits and pander to their mouth-breathing liberal audiences, Dane is perfect for me.

Plus he invented the Super-Finger. For those times when giving someone the finger just isn't quite enough, the Super-Finger screams "FUCK YOURSELF YOU FUCKING NOTHING PUDDLE OF FUCKDEW. YOU DRIPPING STICKY BLEACH SMELLING MASS OF EXTREME UBER-MENTAL RETARDATION. SOUR JIZZ FUCKASSFACE. EAT MY FUCK WITH AN EXTRA SIDE OF FUCK FRIES. YOU FUCKHOLE."

Some quotes from shows. Taken out of context, I still find them funny, but perhaps you won't. I particularly identify with the KoolAid man joke.

Eh. I gotta get out of this office.

Oh Shit : Friday Afternoon

I may have really done it now.

I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone this afternoon, while lounging about on my lunch break. Turns out he's trying to organize a trip to the casino tonight to play some poker. I said something along the lines of "That'll be great when I take all your money and you can't leave cuz I'm your ride."

He told me he hoped I was raped by demented monkeys.

I can't believe I have given my own friends material to make fun of me with. Unbelievable.