Thursday, May 19, 2005

Space Monkeys Invade Hollywood

Disclaimer: While I cannot be absolutely positive this happened, we can't be sure it didn't. -ed.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Violence broke out in the otherwise peaceful city-center in Southeast LA's crown jewel community of Watts. Reports differ as to whether the perpetrators were members of rival gangs in a turf dispute, or if they were indeed space monkeys.

Los Angeles Times Asian reporter Karen Nguyen reports that the suspected space monkeys emerged from the rectums of the rival gang members, and immediately set about flying around on jet packs, painting rainbows in the sky. Unfortunately, these were the Space Monkey scouts and the rainbows were target designators for the space monkey warships. In a matter of minutes, Watts was coated in a 3 story layer of soap suds from the monkey's main weapon. Apparently, our atmosphere was able to defeat their MD71 rockets, which are composed almost entirely of lye, liposuction waste and Palmolive dishsoap.

The Space Monkey hoards were unfazed by their failure to atomize Watts, and zoomed around in the general direction of Hollywood. Monkey sightings and emergency phone calls jammed intersections and phone lines for hours. Rainbows spontaneously appeared over the Paramount Studios parking lot. Many tourists were buried under soap suds after misinterpreting the attacks for a "silly Hollywood stunt," as one survivor put it.

As of this late hour, fire crews are still hosing the soap down the gutters and culverts and off the streets. Residents cannot remember a time when the city was this clean.

Sadly, film director Michael Moore was killed in Thursday mornings monkey madness. The director of such smash hit films as Bowling for Columbine and Roger & Me apparently thought the suds were some kind of confectionary creation. He was seen attacking the rolling mass of suds, mouth wide open and eyes closed in sheer ecstasy. An uprooted fire hydrant found its way into his gaping maw and became lodged in his throat, suffocating him slowly over the course of several hours. He will be deeply missed.

Here is an artist rendering of the monkey attacks:

--D.U. Chebag is a contributing editor for Newsweek magazine.