Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Day 1360

Smith and Wesson responded to my email, asking why my gun isn't violent enough. Read their response below.
Dear Mr. Park Pundit;
In reference to your question sent yesterday re: gun violence, the S&W R&D department has been notified as to your particular case. It appears that several batches of the weapons of medium-destruction we manufacture were shipped with apathy chips, manufactured for us by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. These new guns were created to try and duplicate the actions that the Brady Center has accused our other, non-depressed, mechanical models of exhibiting. It is very distressing for us to learn that, despite our best efforts, our guns still need people to operate them to kill other people. This was not our intention. We figured "Hell, why not make a gun that decides who lives and dies! We can't be held responsible!" and away we went.

Sadly, our director of marketing fell into a swimming pool and drowned before his personal firearm had the chance to harm him. Similarly, our CFO fell from his 27th story window, and the head of the accounting department was stung to death by bees while being eaten by a shark. All these people possessed the new, Sirius-modified guns yet were unharmed by them.

Mr. Park Pundit, you have our solemn pledge that we will rectify this situation immediately, you loony, kooky weirdo, you.

Yours eternally in destruction,
I think they were mocking me. If I had a gun that was prone to senseless, wanton violence, I'd send it after them.

In other news, none of the other test subjects have managed to escape from the safe. I cannot ascertain whether they've loaded themselves without opening the safe, and I won't do that for fear of escape. The one I dub "Pancho Villa," the Dakota .357 SA revolver, has not made a threat on my life as of yet, despite my best efforts to provoke it.

Developing...'s OK - that was satirical!