Nigerian Emails

I can't stop laughing. I ran across this version of the 419 scam over at Hog On Ice:

GREETINGS MY DEAR FRIEND:

I HOPE IT WILL NOT BE AN EMBARRASSMENTNESS TO YOU THAT I AM WRITING EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE NEVER MET. THE NIGERIAN MINISTRY OF TRADE AND FUNNY HATS REFERRED ME TO YOU AS A PERSON OF THE HIGHEST INTEGRITABLENESS, AND I WISH TO SECURE YOUR COOPERATION IN A BUSINESS VENTURE.

I AM A PROMINENT CARDINAL IN THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. RECENTLY, OUR CHIEF EXECUTIVE, POPE JOHN PAUL II, PASSED AWAY AFTER AN ILLNESS. YOU CAN READ ABOUT IT HERE AT WWW.CNN.COM/2005/WORLD/EUROPE/04/02/POPE.DIES. AT THE TIME, I WAS IN CHARGE OF FUNDRAISING ON THE AFRICAN CONTINENT, AND I WAS IN POSSESSION OF A FUND CONTAINING $19.1 USD INTENDED FOR THE PURCHASE OF BINGO CARDS.

NOW THAT OUR PONTIFF IS GONE, I AM WITHOUT SUPERVISION FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. AND I AM AWARE THAT AS A BLACK MAN, I HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF BECOMING A HOOTERS GIRL THAN OF BEING ELECTED POPE. IT IS MY INTENTION TO REMOVE THESE FUNDS FROM NIGERIA AND USE THEM FOR THE CONSTRUCTION OF A BACHELOR PAD IN BEL AIR, CALIFORNIA, WHERE I SHALL SPEND THE REMAINDER OF MY LIFE HAMMERING TALL BLOND BIMBOS LIKE A BLOODY STEAM DRILL. HOWEVER, I REQUIRE A FOREIGNER TO ASSIST ME.

IN EXCHANGE FOR 20% OF SAID MONIES, I WILL REQUIRE YOU TO COME TO LAGOS POSING AS THE OWNER OF A COMPANY THAT PRINTS BINGO CARDS. I SHALL TENDER A CHECK TO YOU, WHICH YOU WILL RUN THROUGH YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN THE UNITED STATES. THEN YOU WILL REMIT 80% TO ME, CARE OF THE WESTERN UNION BRANCH IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.

CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS THE MODALITIES OF THIS TRANSACTION. IF YOU DO NOT ASSIST ME, BY JOVE, YOU SHALL JOLLY WELL GO TO HELL.

GOD BLESS

CARDINAL FRANCIS ARINZE
LAGOS, NIG.